Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All my life I've blamed myself for having a weight problem. Turns out it was my mom's fault. It's not that she prepared fattening dishes, or made me eat a lot. It's just that instead of having an egg in her uterus, she had bacon.

   Rest iPeace Steve Jobs

   When someone say's "Let's do lunch", what they mean is "I don't care if I ever see your sorry azz again."

   When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

   The only thing I know of that is beautiful & ugly at the same time is seeing one of my updates stolen. Oh, and Angelina Jolie taking a dump.

   One woman's trash is another woman's son. One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   You know these pagers they give you to let you know when you table's ready? They make great coasters when you steal them.

   people who write songs as their status are creeps, they are weirdooooss, they don't know what the hell they're looking for, they don't belong here...

   There can be sex with no relationship, but by god there can never be a relationship with no sex.

   goin' skinny dippin' in the Cement Pond with Elly Mae.

   a ring is round and never ends and that's how long that we'll be friends

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

   A soulpatch is like a Corvette for your face.

   chugging scalding Hot Lava just to cool off....

   Do you know why they call it "PMS?" Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Sorry, constantly quoting random bible scriptures isnt going to convince me. I could quote one the Twilight books and be just as profound. Twilight Eclipse, Chapter one verse three, "The."

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of

   One candidate won't release their tax returns, received campaign donations from Russia, facing cases for rape and fraud, bragged by sexual assault. The other is scrutinized by their emails...

   you lazy folks will be happy.. free healthcare, free college, what more can a person want

   I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.