Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.

   wonders what the guy who found out what milk was, was doing to the cow.

   if you really were my friend, you would write a little note, but since you never do, I assume you never won't

   switching up on you ordinary b!tchesss.

   can't wait for this 365 day weekend to begin.

   women are like pianos,there grand when there not upright!

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   My seatbelt makes me feel so secure ... Like nothing can get me... I love how it protects me so..... ;)

   getting high and watching sharks...

   Its Friday 13th,an unlucky day.To counteract that you could try a Rabbits Foot or a Lucky Horseshoe. Horseshoes usually bring good luck today,but never trust a horse that wears high heels & remember to never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.

   I miss ___________. I rather not mention you b/c your not worth mentioning :-)

   just accidentally started a turf war in his neighbourhood

   HAPPY his cell phone contract will be over on Dec. 21st 2012..... I'm keeping that date open on my Mayan Calender to do some phone shopping....

   Warning: May contain traces of nuts,may cause drowsiness, some assembly required, but not tested on animals.

   What do you do if your about to die in front of a candy store? Eat a life saver :)

   yet another bad week to be a knuckle dragging neo-con

   I need to take a time management course. How am I supposed to run drugs, steal jobs AND rape people? Help me Donald!

   I don't care if you catch me creeping your page. I'll like 74 of your posts in a row, what you gonna do about it.

   Nothing makes me feel miserable and helpless like someone sending me prayers instead of real assistance.

   If 9/11 taught us anything, it's that Superman's a lazy ass.