Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell me how a 74 year old man has an opportunity to fly a plane in the crowd at an air show in Reno Nevada when the Dr's took away my grandfather's license away just for falling asleep several times at the wheel on I-81??

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I started a new job, Going good so far, Working as a comedian in an old folks home, I tell them jokes, They don't understand me,They still piss themselves...

   I onced climaxed to the sound of my own voice. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

   Gay men don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.

   I'm guessing the opposite of Christopher Reeves is Christopher Walken

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey to have 6 legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   It's nice to see that SNL let Miss Piggy host SNL tonight

   The way Donald Trump think everyone is a killer, its safe to believe he was a cat in previous life.

   Ronda Rousey raped me, ok it wasn't rape, I enjoyed it. . .

   Wouldn't it be ironic if dousing with cold water caused cancer??

   Dear Trump supporters, I don't know what century you guys live in, but all my clocks change themselves.

   Anytime I meet a Realtor, I drop my pants and ask her if this is a lot??

   I'd love to see the headlines if the day ever came that Arnold Schwarzenegger was diagnosed with a tumor.

   Happy wife.. Happy life!

   Dislikes the "Green Earth" Placards in the hotel bathroom,,,,Hang up your towel, save the earth from extinction.....leave the towel on the floor.....a Panda dies!

   Sometimes I pickup laborers from Home Depot, but they always seem to run away when I get to the immigration dept. Go figure.

   hates it when you go down to get a midnight snack and get excited to find some treasure in the fridge, only to have your hopes and dreams dashed by the treasure being so far past it's expiration date that only Ashton Kutcher would be interested...

   we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

   walking through the forest dressed as a deer