Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other for silly reasons !!!... :P :D

   A Good Source Of Calcium.

   ‎"This is what we do in Florida. We wear hoodies and sweat pants when the temperature drops 4 degrees. Get with it or go back to shoveling snow in Canada, jerk."

   The only thing better than being wh¡te, is being wh¡te AND Italian. Buona festa di Cristoforo Colombo.

   In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

   Hi, I hate Rob Lowe, I think about kicking his a$$ every time I see his stupid commercial. . .

   I'm sick of people comparing Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, the guy was pretty good, but he was no Freddie Mercury.

   raising the bar

   Where is my balloon? I thought What ever goes up comes down!

   my wife said I need more calcium in my diet.. she then proceeded to knock my teeth down the back of my throat!!!!

   It would have been a more believable story if Jesus had died on a Monday and then rose again on a Saturday, just like I do every week.

   When a woman lies to me that she cant have sex with me becoz she is on her period, I tell her, "its a good thing your mouth is not bleeding too"

   No matter what side of the aisle you lean towards or sit on, this tax plan is a soggy turdburger.

   forgot to stop the Q-tip when their was resistence

   the reason for the tear drops on your guitar

   ROMANTIC IDEA: Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick the stars on the roof above your bed to spell out a message such as "I Love You" When the lights go down, your message will be revealed!

   "YOU ARE FIRED!" - Just me practicing for when Trump is impeached.

   My daughter lost her first tooth today. :) That will teach that witch not to talk back! >:(

   Hitler hated juice. Not Jews. Pronounciation causes mass homocides.

   85% of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.