Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Behind a nagging woman.... there's a man who is not doing what he's supposed to!

   Ladies: be careful if you wear spaghetti straps. It distracts us guys because it makes us think about pasta. And we will do anything to get pasta.

   vergetarians, I ask this: when you see a spider on the kitchen floor, do you 1). step on it or 2). take it to the SPCA to be "saved"?

   who cares when the next full moon happens

   Today is the most confusing day in the hood... You are not the father!!!!! Maury

   "Dammit I'm Mad" is spelled the same way backwards..

   What you call "camping", I call "aggresive waiting".

   I was going to start a procrastination club, but I decided to wait!

   New Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall movie idea, Coming to America II, with Ebola

   My therapist told me...nothing you idiot vodka can't talk.

   Dude! Just watched that show ghost hunters and dude! I definitely need to figure out how I can get that time I wasted back

   what would be the reaction of Hollywood actor ice cube with the on going "ice bucket challenge"

   you can type up a whole paragraph that doesn't make any sence whatsoever and people will wonder what's wrong with you.. but if you end it with a smiley face. then it's all good." :)

   I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

   What kind of name is Eyjafjallajokull why not Martin or George.

   Everytime she logs onto facebook she feels like she's reading people's diaries. Facebook should change its name to Dear Diary!!!

   When in doubt, mumble.

   Beware! I'm armed and have pre-menstrual tension!

   He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

   Yesterday I put in a bid for a “Cowboy Outfit”.. on ebay and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning the South austrailan Government!