Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The television is not a magical device that communicates all your criticism to your favourite sports team. STOP YELLING AT IT!

   I think if we get our husbands helper monkeys, they'll leave us alone...

   This just in... Apple has just hired LeBron James to fix the iPhone signal problem!

   Like this status if you're a non-comformist.

   jamming out to my Best of Rebecca Black Collection.

   Called animal control cause I found a nest outside my window. Never knew those guys were so good at pickin up chicks

   The tv show American Pickers ought to be renamed to American Pickers & Hoarders

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to anything he says when he is drunk. It's the alcohol talking and it will wear off. And he will just claim amnesia when he sobers up.

   I love being the first one up in the morning, it gives me time to take all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms for ransom....

   jdpower: Making girls who aren't like that.. like that.

   I walk around while brushing my teeth because I get bored standing there

   I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

   There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding", a little reason behind every "just wondering", a little knowledge behind every "I don't know", and a little feeling behind every "I don't care".

   A ‘bad' woman is exciting and she's the kind of woman a man never gets tired of being around.

   In high school I was voted most likely to travel back I'm time. By the class of 2025.

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   Wow, there you are all hot and everything; then you post a pic of you with your kids...1 and 3 years old. Negate!

   Lost a friend. Apparently when asked what I would do if I was him, you don't respond "Go home and have sex with my hot sexy wife" isn't good when he is already upset with you

   When I was growing up, my parents always told me "If you don't have something interesting to post on Facebook, don't post anything at all." Or, something like that....

   Getting a BJ is overwhelming. I mean, going to BJs is overwhelming.