Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yo facebook friends, My Blackberry's out so give me a wall.

   Not even Clint Eastwood could make a Segway cop look bad a$$.

   I suck at making bucket lists. Mine just says "Dog milk".

   You know what is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone.

   Tried to leave a voicemail for my mom but she picked up. I was forced to drop my phone into my gf's purse and shake it around for 10 minutes.

   I just got an email from Northern Tool. Turns out, it isn't about a bunch of yankee retards.

   I know there is plenty of fish in the sea but I am looking for a mermaid.

   they're are moments in life. Moments when you know u've crossed bridge and your old life is over. I'm into action. I have arrived!

   Will and Jada splitting, 5.8 earthquake in DC, and now Hurricane Irene as a possible Cat 4 landfall this weekend??? Lord have mercy............

   Prostitutes are born when you give goodwill all your slutty clothes.

   Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

   I swear everytime I hear the new tempur pedic commercial all I can think of is "ask me about my weiner" from Accepted!!!

   So if 69 is... you know... is 99 planking?

   don't tell me what you did for a klondike bar, tell me what you did to get all those beads.

   I hate Glee... when I drive past stupid drivers with my hand in the shape of an "L" on my forehead, they just smile, give me a giant thumbs up and nod as I read their lips "I love Glee too!"meanwhile drifting bk and forth while driving 55 in the fast lane

   Looking forward to long car rides, So you can listen to your ipod for what feels like forever

   With gas prices headed towards $4.00/gal, I think its time to form an intergovernmental organization of oil consumers. We could call it the Organization of Fuel Using Countries, and tell OPEC if they keep it up they'll be hearing the screams from OFUC.

   time to take out the vibrator. Need my neck and shoulders to start feeling better. What did you think I was going to use it for?

   dont forget to party like Rebecca black tomorow

   so hungry i'm starin' at my candlestick hopin' he's come to life, sing me 'be our guest' n prepare me a dancing yummy feast !!