Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I can't wait to drunk text this girl who doesn't give a sh*t about me.” - ALCOHOL

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   How I hate people who initiate a conversation and don’t continue with it.

   I always say "you do the math" because I can't do the math.

   I beat 2048 today. Just goes to show that a little procrastination can still get you where you need to be.

   Pretty sure I'll pet an owl before I have sex again.

   “I believe that we will win” - USA chant for the World Cup...... “Winning the World Cup is just not realistic” - Jürgen Klinsmann USA team coach.

   When you look at the time left on a movie and you start panicking because you feel there’s still so much left to do and so little time left.

   Never ask yourself "Can I do this?" Instead, ask yourself "Where can I take a nap?"

   Yoga teacher hates me.... *Puts me in an awkward position.

   How To Lose A Guy In 10 Passive-Aggressive Texts

   Was scrolling through the guide for Direct TV and came across a program called "Hot Tub Fun". It was an infomercial to sell hot tubs......very disappointed...

   Whew! the wind has been blowing and howling like crazy all day. Kept looking out the window for Dorothy to show up.

   I'm going to trade in my "I'm stupid" t-shirt for the fancy "I'm with stupid" one.

   Just heard some of Drakes new album..& damn it got to me..let me go call my ex from 1st grade I miss the way we use to colour together.

   There is a new Flu Shot for the Window 8 computers

   Getting ready for Black Friday. This grizzly bear costume is going to scare the Sh*# out of these Best Buy campers.

   Took my girlfriend window shopping. She’s just looking at a bunch of shoes we haven’t even bought a window yet :(

   Men and women are twice as likely to confess their problems to Facebok than other individuals.

   Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.