Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too

   National Running Day was a success. Ran to the fridge then back to the couch. Whew! I'm exhausted.

   Somewhere over the rainbow photoshop lies.

   Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? No.

   If by big game hunter you mean "someone trying to find single game tickets to his favorite football team" then yes, I'm a big game hunter...

   Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box

   No skirt girl just left. She asked if she could wear my shirt home since it was longer than her dress. One less shirt to pack.

   OK...WHO PUT TURBOLAX IN MY COFFEE ? I had Other crap to do today !

   My middle finger wants to talk to you.

   Ladies of the east coast.... you wanted 8+ inches, here you go.

   I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   [dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...

   it too late for the Dowager Countess of Grantham to run for President??

   Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal.

   My wife just complimented me on my new Alligator shoes, but the only problem with that is that I wasn't wearing any shoes.

   Money can buy the f*ck out of happiness. Anyone who tells you otherwise has small genitals because people with small genitals say weird stuff.

   It's time to do what I do best... *cracks a beer*