Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   single women are like dog turds the older they get the easy they are to pick up

   wonders why other peoples dumps smell worse then your own.

   Once again I will Watching football this season the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

   Nice idea Mr Equality-For-All, but before we start those funds can we first make the Caucasians slaves for a couple of centuries and make them fight for their freedom and rights? Its only fair!

   How can Trump have the nerve to take credit for inheriting the strong economy from Barack Obama. He haven't enacted his own budget.

   The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

   Paula Deen is very pleased that the USSC is allowing f@gs to get married.....especially the coloured ones

   wishing people would stop sending me crap! I have enough stuff to do

   Steve Irwin should have used sunscreen.... it protects from harmful rays

   an expert on padded cells

   I don’t trust banks anymore. I’m taking all my money out. I can’t trust them with all $23.56.

   If you love a socialite set them free, if they come back to you be careful as they might have been Coronavirus.

   Let's practice for the future: I'll trade you 2 rolls of toilet paper for a cup of sugar, a cup of flour and we switch places in this ridiculously long line.

   if life was real, how come you’ve never seen your neighbours bring in their groceries??

   This $600 causing problems already. My cousin drove by here real slow. And I only owe him $8...tf

   Super Bowl parties are great! (If you aren't into football.) I'm into football, so no thanks.

   [first day as a bartender] *garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

   If a zoologist studies animals what do you call someone who studies zoos? ZOOLOGIST: if you come down off the giraffe I'll answer your questions

   For sale solar glasses only used once. Paid $ 1.25 I would like to get $1.00 for them.