Snotty Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   A gaggle of geese... A murder of crows... A nope of laundry.

   Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I'm guessing that the end of Cowboys Vs. Aliens is predictable. Tony romo buckles under the pressure & throws an interception to the aliens

   Sometimes I'll play air bass instead of air guitar just to mess with people.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?

   If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie

   After over 350 years,,, The Vatican finally apologized to Galileo, so don't expect an apology for child abuse anytime before 2363.

   Dear MacGuyver,,,I've enclosed a yoyo, three pennies, and mentos... Please save the rainforest.....Love, Snotty

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid,, and flipped hamburgers,, and talked to purple blobby things.

   I'd rather live each day as if it's my 2nd to last day. My last day will probably involve a lot of blood and I'm a little bit squeamish.

   Dudes,,, If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,,,, talk in your sleep

   My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.

   Little Known Fact: The Golden Girls was originally titled Depends on Friends

   Ask your doctor if it’s the right OCD medication for you... Then ask him 3 more times, knock on the wall twice and ensure the door is locked.

   My three favorite shows about murderers are NCIS, CSI, and SportsCenter.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.