Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has had enough depressing news about death (i.e. Cory Haim). How about some good news? Like congratulating Ted Kennedy! He's 198 days sober today!

   I went through three magazines on the train yesterday. I'd killed a dozen people before they managed to wrestle the gun off me

   Just heard kings of Leon cancelled a show cause their lead singer took a load of pigeon s%$t right in his mouth. Haha. Take a hint, even the pigeons think ur fricking sh$#ty!! Get off the stage.....

   In honor of 11/12/13..... I will buy beer for any 11, 12 and 13 year olds that ask me.

   where in the marriage licence does it say "feel free to get fat now ladies"? jeez have some respect for yourself and husband..

   Going to lite that fuse on your tampon if you dont shut up

   went to the hairdressers and asked for a numer 1 all over and she pee'd all over my head. I wont fall for that again though.... next time i'll just ask for a number 2.

   why did stevie wonder stop writing songs? he dropped his pencil.

   Vikings Prayer; Our Favre-ther who art in Mississippi hallowed be thy name. Thy bowl will come, it will be won, In Miami as it is in the Dome. Give us this Sunday, Our weekly win. Give us touchdown passes, but do not let others pass against us. Lead us no

   I always give 100% at work:13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday

   takes your breath away.

   esta practicando su espa?ol

   Ah, Easter. That lovely time of year that reminds you to take down the Christmas decorations.

   Why would I want to go to Heaven? None of my friends will be there.

   One of those protesting coons home gets broken into and I bet they call the Po Po!!

   The best thing about Daylight Savings Time is it shortens the current Presidental term by one hour.

   knows whats the diference between a wife and a girlfriend..? Its about $200.

   Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML

   When an old lady pokes you at a wedding and says "you're next"....just do the same to them at a funeral.

   I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather!! Not screaming in terror like his passengers!:)