Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IF god exists, why is he supporting the government?

   Smoke Weed Every Day. Legalize it! Don't drink and drive, smoke and fly.

   If you’re reading this, un-banana your spine.

   True Christian values below. Wish death to everyone who disagrees with you. No wonder you people think Trump is holier than the Pope.

   Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

   Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

   Before any President of America visits any foreign country, he relies on CIA intel for his security while abroad. I am not trying to put any ideas in CIA people's head but...

   Wow, that was embarrassing. I tried to non-chalantly touch one of Ivanka's breasts and ended up holding hands with the President.

   panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?

   For the family portrait theme this year, it's just the four us staring into our electronic devices

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   Glad to see the vaccine has been released today in the US and it's not made by the Clorox cleaning company.

   remember the days when Blackberry and Apple were just names of fruit?

   Cookie Monster: People ask me what me favorite kind of cookie, but me no can choose! Me equal opportunity eater.

   The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken  is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its  face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters ‘Well I guess that answers t

   ...thinks the "vamps" in Twilight and New Moon look like a cross between The Cure & NSYNC..ooohh..such shiny white fangs too!

   finds it funny in the movie "did you her about morgans" sarah jessica parker is chasing a horse its like Pepé Le Pew chasing the cat

   to work because the kids need new leg irons.

   facebook – Never letting you forget any of the douchebags you've fuct

   I just saw a message in my alphabet soup. It says OOOOOO. Oh wait….I'm eating Cheerios