Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a battle of the bulge joke about a month ago, and I still have no comeback."

   I ate lunch and Furr's. Apparently the wait staff didn't find it funny that I kept telling them I wanted a furr burger.

   I would never wish bad things upon anyone... but if ISIS just so happened to run into Tom Brady... I wouldn't be too upset.

   People these days will do and say anything to divert attention from their own pathetic lives.

   Everytime I read "Happy Hanukkah" It reminds me of 'Hakuna Matata''

   doesn't care how many dirty looks he gets, he thinks it's funny when his 3 year old flubs up something in public and goes "Oh, Jesus Cwist!".

   At one point yesterday, the whole world was on Twitter...except for Trump.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by just about everything

   What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.

   TRY UR NAME IN JAPANESE:A=ka B=tu C=mi D=te E=ku F=lu G=ji H=ri I=ki J=zu K=me L=ta M=rin N=to O=mo P=no Q=ke R=shi S=ari T=chi U=do V=ru W=mei X=na Y=fu Z=zi. then paste ur Japanese name below share dis ITS FUN!

   If you update your status more than three times in any 24hour period you have too much time on your hands - and should probably get a job.

   I'm looking for a 4 letter word that ends with "unt".......... ........ ........ don't be so crude, I was looking for "Aunt."

   "America finally found solution to avoid population growth thru same sex 👬marriages" LMAO👭

   Hear about Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama posing nude for magazines lately? Yeah Sarah Palin was seen in playboy and Michelle Obama was discovered in National Geographics!!

   A celebratory beer after winning the gold - $1. While you're at it, might as well have a cigar - $3. The Canadian women looking like fools, especially with all the problems caused because of Canada hosting the Olympic games - priceless.

   I could post the funniest status ever and I'll still get at least one dislike. Hi hater!

   once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die

   This over empathy for marathon runners should also b present when other countries r blasted. REMEMBER THAT!

   Apparently, only God can whack Tony Soprano.

   The church squeezes money out of the people by promising them happiness in the next life if they accept misery and exploitation this one.