Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my dyslexic neighbor keeps looking for his god

   You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."

   America, where mediocrity reigns supreme. How else do you explain "our" love affair with The Kardashians, Family Guy, and Dr. Oz?

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

   I heard that Kim Kardashian is looking forward to celebrating Yeezus' birthday today.

   one thing's for sure, all those people that always bash atheists won't even bother going to church today

   He north, stfu about the cold! You never hear the south complain about the hea.....nvm carry on

   Some days for me it's like I start off making an omelette but in the end it all ends up scrambled eggs......

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   When you play Seattle, you play the whole state!

   Seeking a naughty Valentine, private message me for details lol...

   "I understand your logic, but let's try to look at this more emotionally." - men

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   Just been accused of being condescending , that's where you talk down to people.

   A couple got married at a Mental Institution recently ..kind of crazy?

   It's so cold out I've just turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   Being a Buffalo Bills fan is similar to being Rick Grimes. You're pretty much hopeless. When there is a sign of hope... all hope is crushed by the Governor aka Bill Belichick.

   My go-to office prank is to go onto someone's unattended Facbook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, Android or iPhone"

   How you get almond milk? Almonds ain't got no nipples!

   That FIFA 16 is realistic. Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.