Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."

   Trump will be President!....I'm just seeing if I'm right on my Facebook memory. Thanks

   Funny all those people that love Prince and don't mind his drug abuse probably complained about Lance Armstrong

   Where do dinosaurs fit in this bible story of yours Sir?

   All of those movies that had a black President in charge of America at the end of the world were wrong. Turns out it will be an orange one.

   I'm really starting to regret my io6 tattoo...

   I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the centre go to hell.

   I wonder If butterflies get humans in their belly????

   Michael Jackson has been dead a long time but moonwalking still makes people uncomfortable at children's parties.

   I had a dream I was reading fun ny sta tuses, I woke up and there weren't any here anymore..... just recycled rubbish!

   Im thinking of changing my name to Reason.... Because no one ever listens to me.

   Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!

   girls that drive vans are sexy, just because you know they put out.

   cons can't understand the US Supreme Court I see. Never paid attention in government class in grade school, is the reason

   If you can't sleep, call your ex and harass them. They don't deserve to sleep either.

   When poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window.

   pɹɐʍʞɐ sᴉ sᴉɥ┴

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll. I sound like a ducking idiot....thanks auto correct

   You can save alot more than 15% on your car insurance, simply by pulling in to reverse and fleeing the scene.

   Burger King ripped off McD's with the Big King. Now they are ripping off Wataburger with the Twataburger.... it is a fish sandwich.