Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont care who you are, childhood obesity is hilarious... well, unless you are the child in question...

   if you cook an egg, won't it kill the salmonella

   Looking for the six-fingered man!

   Why do you have to put "your two cents in..." but its only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where is that extra penny going to???

   What did the blonde get on the I.Q. test? Nail varnish.

   psychiatrist said I need to vent my anger... so I broke her nose and burnt down her practice

   loves big ( @ )Y( @ ) and small (.)y(.) chesticles.

   boy you couldnt pour piss out of a boot if the instructions was on the heel!!!

   The tip of the day: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night!

   It's been observed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff penalties.

   if you belive in yourself, you can do anything... if you belive that.. your oficialy a retard

   Mow let me get this straight ------------~ Damn!! So close!!!

   My local newspaper is now publishing online. I'm potty training my puppy and he's already ruined three computers.

   look all he said was is "im hungry" and generously responded "well, I have something for you to eat".

   The Internet? Is that thing still around? - Homer Simpson

   for anyone thats interested I'm watching tv and deciding if I should get up and go for a wee

   The NFL lockout is over!! Great timing, since women's soccer is now over. I can never decide which to watch!

   When wife says, "We need to talk". That only means that she will talk and the Husband will Choke

   I wouldn't say that she is a hoe, just that she makes hoe decisions

   Read a chat while on the phone is not a good idea..."How you feeling?"..."I'm feeling wet"...