Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beer companies keep telling you to think when you drink, but they think is that when you drink you can still think. The truth is, when you drink you can't think. So before you drink, think-- then don't drink.

   used to play sports. Then I realised that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything!

   I love Australia! It's the only place in the word you can call someone a "mate" without sounding sexual ;)

   I don't really know you , and I dont know how I added you to my facebook, but it says its your birthday today and to wish you happy birthday , so happy birthday mutha F@%$#&

   I almost landed a huge fish when my line snapped. It was a reel disappointment...

   Thank you dad for not pulling out!! (to be used on father's day)

   the world may be falling apart around you, but as long as you're wearing Miley Cyrus merchandise you'll be alright.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS! **DISCLAIMER** IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF A TOYOTA IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED THAT YOU HIT THE GAS. DOING

   ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ

   Native Americans are the most successful strippers because when they dance they make it rain....

   tired. Tried to fall back asleep this mornig, but couldnt, woke up with such a stiffy, I had no skin left to close my eyes!

   ♥wants you as much as Lady Gaga wants Alejandro!!!!!....Or Fernando!!!!!!......Roberto? ♥Okay maybe this wasnt the best Metaphor but damn its a catchy song

   "Now if I could just figure out something to do with my hands, I'd be set!" - Every white guy while dancing, ever.

   A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item because he needs it. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn't need just because it's on sale.

   What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.

   It's so strange that whenever the News sources predict this months ago, the GOP and Russian sympathisers call it "Fake News". I'm starting to see a pattern

   Trump: Once stated in a speech "If you are innocent, why would you take the 5th amendnent." So he must think his lawyer Cohen is guilty.

   My baby is always one year old because I welcome people's we-ird question about his age with my middle finger.

   I'm mature but only without the apostrophe and space.

   Do you think after the World Cup they all have orange slices and drink capri suns after the game and then their moms pick them up in their minivans? ‪#‎SoccerSucks‬