Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Native Americans are the most successful strippers because when they dance they make it rain....

   tired. Tried to fall back asleep this mornig, but couldnt, woke up with such a stiffy, I had no skin left to close my eyes!

   ♥wants you as much as Lady Gaga wants Alejandro!!!!!....Or Fernando!!!!!!......Roberto? ♥Okay maybe this wasnt the best Metaphor but damn its a catchy song

   "Now if I could just figure out something to do with my hands, I'd be set!" - Every white guy while dancing, ever.

   the world may be falling apart around you, but as long as you're wearing Miley Cyrus merchandise you'll be alright.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS! **DISCLAIMER** IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF A TOYOTA IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED THAT YOU HIT THE GAS. DOING

   ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ

   A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item because he needs it. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn't need just because it's on sale.

   Trump: Once stated in a speech "If you are innocent, why would you take the 5th amendnent." So he must think his lawyer Cohen is guilty.

   What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.

   It's so strange that whenever the News sources predict this months ago, the GOP and Russian sympathisers call it "Fake News". I'm starting to see a pattern

   My baby is always one year old because I welcome people's we-ird question about his age with my middle finger.

   “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, all over Mrs. Claus's face and hair..."

   For a guy who could turn water into wine, it’s surprising Jesus wasn’t a hit with the ladies.

   How is the flirty married women comment even funny. It's not, but it is an EPIC Fail !

   Do you think after the World Cup they all have orange slices and drink capri suns after the game and then their moms pick them up in their minivans? ‪#‎SoccerSucks‬

   The phrase ‘you need Jesus’ was made when two drunk people were sitting in front of a pool and one said “imagine if this was a pool of wine”

   Breasts are like a model train set. They were originally meant for children, but fathers always want to play with them.

   Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

   I'm mature but only without the apostrophe and space.