Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daughter: Mama, can a girl get pregnant from @n@l s3x? Mother: Why sure, Honey. Where do you think lawyers come from?

   Don't judge me because I sleep naked...

   Hearing “I miss you” from the right person is a great feeling.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   I bet you Sylvia Browne didn't see that coming.

   If you have enough cash, you can humiliate and take the dignity of any woman you want.

   Every person on the bus thinks they have the coolest style for pulling the stop cord. Chill people, you are just pulling a frickin' cord. Plus, my way is way cooler.

   "nice guys" always end up in the friendzone.....time to be an Ahole

   If robbers broke into my house looking for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.

   Since casino commercials abruptly end with "gambling problem, call 1-800gambler"......why don't booze commercials end with "drinking problem, call 1-800guzzler" ?

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

   I'm fat, but not "hotel towels no longer fit around my waist" fat.

   You're allowed to make anti-gay statements, and companies are allowed to make anti-you statements by firing you. Free speech works.

   I think I'll open a Chinese restaraunt and call it "Wok Your Dog."

   I heard the man who invented the cross word puzzle past away....did you hear this? yea they buried him 6 feet down and 3 feet across

   A doctor told me to smoke weed everyday. His name is Dr Dre

   Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.

   Me, at Wal-Mart: Why is there a buckle on this ski rope? Sir, that's a belt.

   Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!

   having a "foodgasm".