Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you have tried to have S*x with Siri...

   Fell asleep after lunch today and had a bad dream. I hate daymares.

   FYI,, All I did from 1988-1994,,,, was try to get the shards of Cap'n Crunch out off the roof of my mouth

   "nice guys" always end up in the friendzone.....time to be an Ahole

   If robbers broke into my house looking for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.

   Since casino commercials abruptly end with "gambling problem, call 1-800gambler"......why don't booze commercials end with "drinking problem, call 1-800guzzler" ?

   World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

   Daughter: Mama, can a girl get pregnant from @n@l s3x? Mother: Why sure, Honey. Where do you think lawyers come from?

   Don't judge me because I sleep naked...

   Hearing “I miss you” from the right person is a great feeling.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   I bet you Sylvia Browne didn't see that coming.

   If you have enough cash, you can humiliate and take the dignity of any woman you want.

   Every person on the bus thinks they have the coolest style for pulling the stop cord. Chill people, you are just pulling a frickin' cord. Plus, my way is way cooler.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat, it makes you LEAN...against tables, chairs and walls...

   Happy Hoildays Schmolidays. Merry Christmas Schmistmas. I lean towards the Christmas greeting, but I gotta be honest with myself. I don't care. I'm mainly in it for the food.

   If the lion wasn't a coward and the Scarecrow had a brain, they would have warned the Tinman that he was better off without a heart.

   Apparently even the word n ipple is flagged on h ere.

   Reality Show Idea: A funeral home where the casket is turned into a mechanical bull.. Whoever rides it the longest gets the person's belongings.

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.