Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A stupid, ridiculous, sappy, eye-rolling Hallmark commercial just made me tear up...the holidays are officially here.

   Have been playing with the first of the snow today! or, well I fell and broke my hip. still counts!

   used to go to random weddings back in the day just to put a picture of his junk on every disposable camera.

   Let's just eat pizza and cake until nobody loves us.

   Almost have my puppy trained to only sh*t in the neighbors yard.

   Today is National Book lovers day. No wonder everyone's on Facebook.

   This beer just whispered "I want to be inside you" and I was all like "ok dude, but I probably need to get drunk first".

   When did advertising with tweakers and homeless people with signs become the norm?

   Me: Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes?...I thought we had til 2012? Mayans: Sorry about that...forgot to carry the 1.

   I have to start reading labels, I definitely just covered myself in this girl's shimmering lotion, maybe I thought it said slimming

   Went to Wendy's the other day, after seeing their new dollar menu, I have to ask "Where's the Beef"?????

   Go ahead....make my day!

   Congratulations, since the Zombie Apocolypse occured you no longer have anyone human to bully you about being brainless...

   I'm more obsessed with breast and thighs then Colonel Sanders...

   If you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?"

   Please stop looking so attractive. I m trying to stop liking you.

   I just saw Tom from MySpace on Google +... You know the site sux when the sites creator hauls a$$!

   Nothing says I blow as a superhero like the Bionic Man's slow motion running. Except maybe for using David Carridine style kung fu.

   The one time I tried yoga, I twisted my asscheeks. Several ladies remain cross-eyed to this day.

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.