Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So did anybody catch X-factor? That BIG BIRD looking chick was singing , more like squacking! guess her future on the line too.

   There's plenty of fish in the sea. Build an aquarium...

   10-11-12..........Happy I can count past 9 day.....:-)

   Hurrican Sandy is mother natures revenge for Jersey Shore.

   ‎"Fungry" The State Of Being Hungry.!

   Here's to the kisses that I snatched, and Vice versa. Bottoms up fellas.

   I blocked Taylor Swift but her songs still play on my radio.

   I think about you all day & I can't wait to sleep at night just to see you in the morning. This is how I know our love is real, food.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...

   A stupid, ridiculous, sappy, eye-rolling Hallmark commercial just made me tear up...the holidays are officially here.

   Have been playing with the first of the snow today! or, well I fell and broke my hip. still counts!

   used to go to random weddings back in the day just to put a picture of his junk on every disposable camera.

   Let's just eat pizza and cake until nobody loves us.

   Almost have my puppy trained to only sh*t in the neighbors yard.

   Today is National Book lovers day. No wonder everyone's on Facebook.

   This beer just whispered "I want to be inside you" and I was all like "ok dude, but I probably need to get drunk first".

   When did advertising with tweakers and homeless people with signs become the norm?

   Me: Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes?...I thought we had til 2012? Mayans: Sorry about that...forgot to carry the 1.

   I have to start reading labels, I definitely just covered myself in this girl's shimmering lotion, maybe I thought it said slimming

   Went to Wendy's the other day, after seeing their new dollar menu, I have to ask "Where's the Beef"?????