Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Florida is for the newly weds and nearly dead

   definition of Irony: Pizza & beer with my awesome wife watching Hell'sKitchen Kitchen!!!!

   I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus

   Don't attack others when the beef is with yourself.

   if you post : finally Iphone 5 with a picture of the new phone attached ! I hope it will fall and break.j

   If you listen closely to your body while working out, you can hear the calories singing "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn".

   Armageddon's all around us, the Mayans say prepare to fight. So if I gotta die I'm gonna listen to my body tonight. They say two thousand-one-two party over, protect yourself...so tonight I'm gonna party like it's two thousand and twelve.

   I can't sleep! I didn't forward a chain message earlier. Now I'm afraid that the dead girl will appear by my bedside while I'm sleeping : /

   My wish for you is to get genit@l w@rts from Honey Boo's momma. But I mean that in a nice way...

   of course Herbalife is a legitimate company. To prove it, they just hired Lance Armstrong as their new spokesman!!

   OMG Scandal is on tonight!!! No not the show on ABC about some crazy government plot theories with every twist and turns......Just another senate meeting about guns and busted

   Don't worry about horse meat in tesco burgers, cos its part of a stable diet

   Great innovation idea, pressure-less Air Fresheners. The sound isn't a necessary reminder of what just happened in the loo.

   There is a special place in hell for people who name their kids after their exes.

   fights so dirty, he has never had makeup sex. It usually violates the restraining order.

   I'm playing a key role in making ironing extinct.

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   You’re all dying anyway so why not just go buy some KFC. (Those guys need to let me do their ads).

   Life just handed me Lemon Pledge, I guess it wants me to dust.

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed