Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: Is there intelligent life form on planet Earth? A: Only in a few areas.

   A heart felt "Thank You" for the birthday wishes Due to sanitary reasons, I will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras

   Trump reveals his medical records. They include Dr. Dre, Dr. Hook, and the Spin Doctors.

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?

   Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who can build a giant wall for cheap.

   NETFLIX Bird Box about an English ladie's privates?

   The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."

   No matter how much you shake your peg...... The last drop always goes down your leg.

   Did you hear. DEMI LOVATO New song? Sober not Sober

   Since 1/20/17 I feel like I'm in the 1988 movie "The Live" and I'm one of the few people with a pair of the sunglasses.

   It’s so cute when billionaire philanthropists donate less than 1%. Bless their hearts.

   When my mother in-law said she wants to be creamated. I immediatley made her an appointment for next week.

   Ice bank mice elf.. say it real fast 10X

   One good thing about daylight savings time is the clock in my car is finally correct!

   Day 4 without a shower. I hope stink kills the virus!

   Literal Cheesy Pick-Up Line: Excuse me, are you Swiss? I'd love to check out your holes.

   How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?

   And on the second day of the flood, Moses wrote : Captains Log ; Unicorn stew is the Best food ever !

   Love when I take the time to type out a long text message to a friend and they reply with "K"

   I will never have abs. Because I love eating keb abs