Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cant stand people who look down on people that look down on people

   why should I ever stop smiling when I live in a joke world!

   Dont Touch..Its call The No No Spot For A Reason.

   being burried alive...please help

   Some people have food in their teeth because no one likes them enough to mention it. This serves as an early warning system for @ssholes.

   has made a poor spending decision and would now like Congress to bail him out for the sake of his shareholders.

   My girl told me I should embrace more of the holiday season. So I glued a mistletoe to my back pocket!!

   First the dead birs in Arkansas, now the 2 million dead fish in Maryland. Are we in a Michael Bay disaster movie?

   These liberty tax male lady liberty people on the side of the road make me happy I'm not them.

   going ice fishing in my neighbor's fish tank. Yep, its that cold.

   Talking Sh1t is harder now with Google out there.

   ...warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   "If my life had a face.............I would PUNCH it!!"-Greg Thomas

   definitely prefers to be the gobblee than the gobbler... I'm stuffed.

   These E*Trade babies probably annoy everyone in the bar when they play Golden Tee.

   It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they take things literally

   We lost Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson today. They say celebrity deaths always happen in threes. Let's hope we don't have a third one. Hey, two out of three ain't bad, right?

   From what I've read, Jesus never had a problem with gay people. He also never wore pants.

   Donald Trump in 2008: "Well, I know Hillary Clinton and she'd make a good president or good vice president." Then why does Trump support corrupt people?