Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While un-locking the door I dropped my keys this, and in one motion with lightning quick reflexes I caught them and punched myself in the balls.

   A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

   If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?

   Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

   What should a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

   New song. Smoke on the water, Fire in Canada

   Vegas taking bets on Texas and Mississippi having an even worse 3rd wave? I'm itching to put money down on that.

   Forget graduating from college, just pose nude, marry rich and you too can be The First Lady!

   I like to hold my wifes head under the covers and loudly exclaim"Release The Kraken".....then loudly fart

   Don't worry white folks; the rhythm is never going to get you. You're safe.

   If god gived us free will, why does everything, I mean everything we do a sin? He should have just made robots.

   Why did the kid drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

   Jimi Hendrix God of Guitar \m/

   Mexican words for the day...JEWEL & JAMAICAN Usage...I know one day JEWEL make me happy but today JAMAICAN me crazy!!

   The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

   Michael Jackson's doctor gets four years in jail?!?! Thats because his victim was white...

   Guy with the mothball smell p ost, you sir are one sick puppy.

   Hey Budyy...."yeah you who is reading this"......Are you still waiting for something funnny? Give me a sec, I'm getting a BJ.....

   say Jesus loves you... He only likes me as a friend, though.

   Ironically this comes close to Obama's reelection! Hmmm... I think Obama and Osama are either working together or the same person!