Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   explains Impotence: Its nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

   That awkard moment when you really wished Kayne West had intrrupted the Casey's Not Guilty Verdict.

   Ingredients of who I am today; my past, my history, my success, my triumphs, my failures, my mistakes, my regrets, my attitude and my confidence.

   it's so hot out today that the squirrels are wearing oven mitts to hold their own nuts.

   TRUE STORY: I got 99 chargers but my phone aint 1

   Dear people: Stop drunk texting. Sincerely, Cell Phone Companies

   Who wants to bet I don't have a gambling problem?

   So technically you are not supposed to EAT meat on Fridays but is it okay to just swallow it?

   Went fishing today and was fairly successful. Caught 2 pounds of tilapia, using $13 cash for bait.

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

   Ate a porcupine for lunch and now isn't feeling well. I think it was spiked

   I'v got a demon in me,evrything I touch goes wrong-The Hangover 2 ♥

   "Hello this is Rachel at card holders services." I wish I knew where she lived cause I would Knock the snot out of her then I would call her 20 times a day and say "Hello this is cyndi with knock the snot out of you services how did it feel."

   I look at cold sores as a reflection of too much trust 

   Dear George Clooney, I see you finally took my advice & broke up with that floozie, Elisabetta. Now you & I can get on with what is meant to be-US! You have my number, I left it for you on millions of texts,emails& letters. Pick up the phone, it's ok dear

   I think there is something fishy about the fact that you can't access your cell phone battery anymore

   Not looking forward to the end of the world sat..should be on a monday..

   Have you ever noticed that when you go abroad on holiday, on the first day you're like a fish out of water, but by the time the last day arrives, you're walking around like you own the Hotel!

   Breaking News Adam Schiff has proof that one of Donald Trumps kids is the missing Lindbergh baby