Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

   Ate a porcupine for lunch and now isn't feeling well. I think it was spiked

   I'v got a demon in me,evrything I touch goes wrong-The Hangover 2 ♥

   "Hello this is Rachel at card holders services." I wish I knew where she lived cause I would Knock the snot out of her then I would call her 20 times a day and say "Hello this is cyndi with knock the snot out of you services how did it feel."

   I look at cold sores as a reflection of too much trust 

   Dear George Clooney, I see you finally took my advice & broke up with that floozie, Elisabetta. Now you & I can get on with what is meant to be-US! You have my number, I left it for you on millions of texts,emails& letters. Pick up the phone, it's ok dear

   I think there is something fishy about the fact that you can't access your cell phone battery anymore

   Not looking forward to the end of the world sat..should be on a monday..

   Have you ever noticed that when you go abroad on holiday, on the first day you're like a fish out of water, but by the time the last day arrives, you're walking around like you own the Hotel!

   Breaking News Adam Schiff has proof that one of Donald Trumps kids is the missing Lindbergh baby

   Donald Trump Jr should not make fun of Skittles and Syrian refugees -- his mother is an immigrant and his father is an orange Skittle.

   When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their stuff...

   That TP logo from the campaign seems appropriate now, given all the B S leaking out of this administration.

   Roy Moore wins Alabama's Republican Senate primary, defeating Trump-backed candidate. Trump throws tantrum.

   Looks like the first amendment is more powerful than the second.

   CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?

   THAT MOMENT: When the cop car that just pasts you makes a U-turn, you begin to wonder where your car papers at.....

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them.