Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual. :)

   Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on bath salts, and your face looks tasty.

   Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?

   I've just been invited to a knees up. Or as my girlfriend calls it, accompanying her to the gynaecologist.

   The only good Black Friday is the one with Chris Tucker and Ice Cube!!

   had his left side removed. He's all right now.

   Before you decide to just stay home tonight remember, Beastie Boys have fought and died for your right to party.

   The reasons the jokes here are getting lame is because everyone of the good ones is stolen from Twitter and everyone is starting to get sick of it!

   If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast

   “Use divorce, Luke...” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   Dora: where are we going? Me: to candy mountain! :D

   explains Impotence: Its nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

   That awkard moment when you really wished Kayne West had intrrupted the Casey's Not Guilty Verdict.

   Ingredients of who I am today; my past, my history, my success, my triumphs, my failures, my mistakes, my regrets, my attitude and my confidence.

   it's so hot out today that the squirrels are wearing oven mitts to hold their own nuts.

   TRUE STORY: I got 99 chargers but my phone aint 1

   Dear people: Stop drunk texting. Sincerely, Cell Phone Companies

   Who wants to bet I don't have a gambling problem?

   So technically you are not supposed to EAT meat on Fridays but is it okay to just swallow it?

   Went fishing today and was fairly successful. Caught 2 pounds of tilapia, using $13 cash for bait.