Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wife turned down an offer to bury her husband in the Holy Land for $75. When asked why she paid $17,000 to buried him in the US, she said, "she heard a story of a Man who was ressurected back in the day!"

   My 2010 New Year's resolution is to NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards ceremony.

   the way it used to be.

   You are feeling sleepy... you will obey me... you will take off your pants...

   in bed with your hot wife... while your at work kissin your boss's ass....

   Tap, tap, tap,..is this thing on?. If it is all the same to you guys, can we skip right past Baseball season and move right on up to Football? Just a thought...

   ❒Single ❒Taking ✔Screw that it will only bring me down when I run from Zombies

   So word is Osama is on his way to Hawaii to get a death certificate made, since that state is now known for making the best authentic looking fictitious certificates.

   Boy: "Is your body from McDonalds?" Girl: "Why? cause you're lovin' it?" Boy: "No, cuz it's fat and greasy."

   Hershey's is coming out with a new candy bar for transvestites... called Heshey's

   Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought, “Screw it, they’ve already got one.”

   Breakfast with Obama: $38,000. 4 Years Of Political Favors: Priceless.

   Call me a romantic, but I like my women how like my stool: loose and corny.

   What has 32 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk??? MY ZIPPER!!!!

   on a (̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ ̅_̅_̅()ڪے break !!

   will publicly ridicule anyone caught reading "Going Rogue" I'm just throwing that out there. You've been warned.

   how can the world end in 2012 if I have a yogurt that expires is 2013?

   who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box..... had to be a female......

   glad he crashed the wedding.

   So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.