Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am forever upgrading WHATSAPP but I never see no godamn difference.

   How is everyone holding up? It's been a crazy night! I have just beheaded 30 zombies. But why the hell are they all carrying candy?!?

   Well I smell my wife cooking dinner. It's times like these when I wish I had a dog.

   Just got the giant cardboard check folded up and crammed in my wallet from the Publishing Clearinghouse Sweepstakes I won from 1996.

   Empty your wine glass, stuff your turkey's. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

   I wonder why George Bailey never told Mr. Potter to just SUCK IT...

   In the Olympics of my heart u're the Jamaican who runs fastest, the Kenyan who runs longest. the American who strengthens me with steroids.

   Gonna call Suze Orman and ask if I can afford to build a Deathstar.

   Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

   I hate it when I the most important part of a post

   The 2011 MLS MVP is out for the season. I have no idea who he is. Hell, I don't even know what the MLS is…

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.

   Yes, I just made a typo, deleted the update, updated it again with another typo, then sent out this update to blame the whole thing on weed.

   Lesson I Learned From My Kid #122: NEVER underestimate the rejuvenating powers of a spaghetti sauce facial/body scrub.

   Ladies: If you're wearing 6-inch heels and can bend down and touch the floor without falling over, you're good to go for another drink.

   If she hears a noise in the middle of the night, you get up and check that shi t like a man if you want your balls sucked instead of punched.

   I'm a bit concerned guys. This is a great place to escape, but you can't hide from Liam Neeson once he realizes you've been making fun of him.

   If you thought AJ McCarron's girlfriends breasts were unreal, you should see Manti Te'o's girlfriend's.

   the facebook app...its like combining ESPN with Weather Channel & some occasional drama