Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

   I hate it when I the most important part of a post

   The 2011 MLS MVP is out for the season. I have no idea who he is. Hell, I don't even know what the MLS is…

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.

   Yes, I just made a typo, deleted the update, updated it again with another typo, then sent out this update to blame the whole thing on weed.

   Lesson I Learned From My Kid #122: NEVER underestimate the rejuvenating powers of a spaghetti sauce facial/body scrub.

   Ladies: If you're wearing 6-inch heels and can bend down and touch the floor without falling over, you're good to go for another drink.

   If she hears a noise in the middle of the night, you get up and check that shi t like a man if you want your balls sucked instead of punched.

   I'm a bit concerned guys. This is a great place to escape, but you can't hide from Liam Neeson once he realizes you've been making fun of him.

   If you thought AJ McCarron's girlfriends breasts were unreal, you should see Manti Te'o's girlfriend's.

   the facebook app...its like combining ESPN with Weather Channel & some occasional drama

   Who"s gonna win the Super Bowl? I predict Harbaugh wins hands down.

   "I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.

   Being born was such a shock that I didn't speak for nearly two years afterwards...and still not normally.

   just remember guys, your problems are your problems but her problems are OUR problems...

   Fatass Quanicka ruined Casual Friday for every this past Friday......Sh e wore shorts

   I'm white, but not "says yes indeedy" white. No siree Bob!

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "I wore a rubber?"

   I'm sorry to say, I won't be on Facebook anymore,.....see there's this ticket that I played today, and long story short....I've got to go change my identity now! Bye!