Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale of J ew to Floyd Mayweather, How much do you love money?

   Fish are always making that “I want to suck a d*ck” face.

   If you push a carriage for more than 20 minutes a day outside of a store there should be a law that you have to have a license to operate it. . .

   There is no problem in the entire world that could not be resolved if everyone would just do it my way.

   Tempus fugit: The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) is the exact same age today as Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) was the day Karate Kid opened in theaters.

   There are three reasons which you are inflicting pain on others and destroying all good or bad morals: 1-you're a psychologically twisted serial killer who's not get caught yet, 2- poor , or 3- a fool who quickly mimics people's ideas without thinking.

   The Scariest thing I saw on Halloween is the Dolphins playing the Bengals!

   Dozens of ninjas at my door for Halloween but they weren't very good ninjas, I could plainly see them.

   Im a veteran, not a veternarian...... I dont speak parrot!

   Imagine the sheer horror in kid's face when you tell the "When I was born there was no internet".

   Do unto others before they can do unto you.

   They call it "work" for a reason. If it was fun, they'd call it "play" and you would pay them.

   “One, 360, one” - Someone at Microsoft counting to 3

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey and some electricals.. Just sayin

   Her: I don't see you feeling what I say, that leaves a bad taste cuz I smell your bs. Hear me? Me: You just used all 5 senses in 1 sentence.

   I've nicknamed my mate 'Blister' - he seems to only show up once the work has been done!

   Hate , when I hear a good song ,now this songs comes on while we hang out,now I am stuck thinking about you ...you ruined a good song

   Easiest way to get someones attention......look at them lean over to someone else and start whispering

   THE 2 drivers in Beijing that ran the lady over that nobody helped have been caught <<< just 2 prove 2 Wongs don't make A right..!!

   Damnnn, We about to get it cracking, like fat people on thin ice