Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a tow truck hauls an RV, does that make the tow guy a "home-wrecker"?

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   2014 parent: "when I was ur age we had morals back then...no sex before marriage,no drugs, no alcohol".Thanks for being honest...so I'll be honest as a 2044 parent "When I was ur age I had loads of unprotected sex,drugs and alcohol and here I am now"!

   Sleeping is so old school, there's no technology involved

   Once you've made a person feel like they don't matter, they'll leave you alone, but they'll never forget.

   Apparently it's frowned upon to moan when getting a pedicure. Related: Sorry, Ming, it was awkward for me too. But damn, you rub me good!

   If you don't believe in evolution just look at how much stronger passwords have become over the past few hundred years.

   The only things that should be fat are your pockets.

   On a scale of J ew to Floyd Mayweather, How much do you love money?

   Fish are always making that “I want to suck a d*ck” face.

   If you push a carriage for more than 20 minutes a day outside of a store there should be a law that you have to have a license to operate it. . .

   There is no problem in the entire world that could not be resolved if everyone would just do it my way.

   Tempus fugit: The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) is the exact same age today as Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) was the day Karate Kid opened in theaters.

   There are three reasons which you are inflicting pain on others and destroying all good or bad morals: 1-you're a psychologically twisted serial killer who's not get caught yet, 2- poor , or 3- a fool who quickly mimics people's ideas without thinking.

   The Scariest thing I saw on Halloween is the Dolphins playing the Bengals!

   Dozens of ninjas at my door for Halloween but they weren't very good ninjas, I could plainly see them.

   Im a veteran, not a veternarian...... I dont speak parrot!

   Imagine the sheer horror in kid's face when you tell the "When I was born there was no internet".

   Do unto others before they can do unto you.

   They call it "work" for a reason. If it was fun, they'd call it "play" and you would pay them.