Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never see the guys putting big advertisement signs up on the highways

   Had a great past weekend at Myrtle Beach with my girlfriend. She only caught me looking twice at women on the beach... The bruises are almost gone....!!!!

   No no no .... They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-F*%ked"

   Does the plus sign mean Google tested positive for Facebook?

   On Tuesday night, I skipped seeing The President of the United States of America to see The Presidents of the United States of America. It was the right call.

   According to legend, the only way to stop the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Lady Gaga and Britney Spears at same time.

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear."

   india foxtrot yankee oscar uniform charlie alpha november uniform november delta echo romeo sierra tango alpha november delta tango hotel india sierra Charlie Oscar papa yankee alpha november delta papa alpha sierra tango echo tango oscar yankee oscar uni

   Since when did M&M's start using W's?

   Santa: If you ignore my actions during weekends (& sometimes the workday) and all the Vicodin I took, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months, I was a good boy, which makes me 50% good. It's up to you- see the glass half empty or half full. Do the right thing!

   's faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings with a single bound.

   thanking Bob Hope for the ky jelly and cucumber. It came in very handy

   just had a moment of genius, a chocolate Easter bunny that is filled with the Cadbury Cream Egg filling......YUMMMM!!!

   not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am...

   -If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

   For some reason, I always thought Elijah Cummings and John Lewis were the same guy. ☻

   Single moms be like, "yo daddy was on the plane!"

   Here's a tip for you travellers, when Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me comes on your ipod in the airport, DON'T sing along. I spent 12 hours explaining that I was just singing the lyrics "Love me like a bomb, b...b...b..bomb"

   Jesus was an American, a Republican American.

   I dont know much about pies, but baby, you make my banana cream