Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just to let you know, Tequila and Tazers are a bad combo. We will miss you Sparky.

   You might as well do your Christmas hinting early...

   morning radio shows exist to read the internet to old folks.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

   I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

   needing a triple shot of that juice!

   I feel like Charlie Sheen...I'm doing lines of code off the <table>

   I still haven't set my clock forward and refuse to acknowledge the time change. I'm not losing an hour of my weekend

   SHOW your true colors... and let people paint a picture of you.

   All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars...

   If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

   Even my pet rock has followers on Twitter proving that Twitter is for retards.

   I camped out for 3 days next to my computer to be first to get Missoni swag and then the site crashed when I clicked the buy button..

   As long as men have the ability to lie, I will never understand roofies.

   Its hard to understand someone who never explains.

   When I die I hope ppl remember me for all the attention I loaned to them without retribution. And not the money they loaned to me without retribution.

   I can think of no worse slam than to tell someone that they're a Jerry Springer Show gone bad.

   Idiot friend : man the economy sucks there no jobs anywhere. ME : I'll give you a job, can you start tomorrow? Idiot friend : man I wish I could but I'm busy all day. Me: so how is Gears of War 3? Idiot friend : Fricking awesome man.

   People call me crazy, but you can call me tonight!

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.