Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Follow your dream. Unless... it's a person. They'd call it stalking.

   Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.

   Consumerism has a religious day called Black Friday.

   ....... Well ... now that Thanksgiving is over ... I'm fed up ...

   How would you know an albino polar bear if you saw one? (And don't say its eyes would be red. You wouldn't be able to get that close).

   I heard on the radio a statistic that said that one out of three women in miami is pretty. I looked to the right...wow...I looked to the left...wow...I hit the car in front of me and a woman came out...wow.. Who the hell is collecting data?

   Its so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch..

   It is so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.

   I tried cumming in the air tonight, and all I did was make a huge mess, F**k you Phil Colins !

   Science: Ruining everything since 1543.

   I'm more comfortable with animals than humans. Animals understand love clearly. Love a human and they misconstrue it a thousand ways.

   This morning when I put my underwear on the fruit of the looms guys were laughing at me.

   walk into a crowded room release a silent fart ten immediately say "Do you smell Popcorn?"........sit back and watch the laughs

   Somewhere, Somehow a guy is with his "girlfriend" spending his payday money, but last weekend she couldn't be with him bcoz she told him she was "sick" or something

   Trust me sir across from me at the gym. If I were interested, you would have "accidentally" seen my butthole by now.

   "What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"

   If I had a dollar for every time my world was rocked... Hey can I borrow 5 bucks?

   Too bad you couldn’t leave your ugliness in 2014.

   Colts player busted for Rape charge....thats it, no joke

   Patriots better deflate that frigging ball or they are going to be in trouble.