Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What? WikiLeaks is endangering lives and is unamerican? Wow, you don't say? Gee, what a surprise.....

   My stock in Memorex and Maxell is going up again. Way to go White house staff !

   I asked my friends, "Are you Ok?" and they replied, "Yes, especially if you give us half of your money."

   Good day to be an uneducated Amazon worker!

   I told someone that Kansas was dead to me. His reply was 'did it drop another house on your sister'?

   After sitting here watching all these Olympic events and the athletes doing such extreme things... I have decided I need to get more extreme... so today I'm eating Hot Pockets right out of the microwave...

   Once upon a time a Prince asked a Princess to marry him. She said no. So the Prince got to buy trucks and boats, date big breasted girls, go hunting an

   "I'd like to apologize now for not liking your posts that I" stole as an update or ..

   The friend suggestions? If you're bored and got nothing better to do in the night, start rating them and give 'em grades on their inbox. Once you get a reply, tell 'em it wasn't you, but what looking at their dps turned your mood clock into.#Blametheweed

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   I'm so stoned........ It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light. Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

   Taking a nice big healthy crap: Best weight-loss plan ever.

   BBC News: "A body has been found in a fridge freezer with all body parts separated. The police are treating this case as suspicious."

   Of course I believe in the Zodiac.... I'm a Leo and I love the movie Titanic...if that's not convincing enough, my grandmother is a cancer.......and she was killed by a giant lobster.

   Far from perfect like everyone else.

   I always tip the delivery guy an extra $5 if he doesn't look around for the other 4 people all this pizza would feed.

   I think I'll open a lemonade stand, you know.. for those lemons that I collected through life. . .

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes... maybe these 20 cats really aren't my friends after all :(

   just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of p3n!s shaped duck calls.