Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'd like to apologize now for not liking your posts that I" stole as an update or ..

   The friend suggestions? If you're bored and got nothing better to do in the night, start rating them and give 'em grades on their inbox. Once you get a reply, tell 'em it wasn't you, but what looking at their dps turned your mood clock into.#Blametheweed

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   I'm so stoned........ It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light. Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

   Taking a nice big healthy crap: Best weight-loss plan ever.

   BBC News: "A body has been found in a fridge freezer with all body parts separated. The police are treating this case as suspicious."

   Of course I believe in the Zodiac.... I'm a Leo and I love the movie Titanic...if that's not convincing enough, my grandmother is a cancer.......and she was killed by a giant lobster.

   Far from perfect like everyone else.

   I always tip the delivery guy an extra $5 if he doesn't look around for the other 4 people all this pizza would feed.

   I think I'll open a lemonade stand, you know.. for those lemons that I collected through life. . .

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes... maybe these 20 cats really aren't my friends after all :(

   just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of p3n!s shaped duck calls.

   It's colder outside than two ex-wives.

   You say its none of your business how someone chose to live their life hey? So its cool with you if I just decide to walk around without pants in public?

   there is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

   I wonder if 3D printers print cookies? Because if they can't then they are useless...

   France is successful at participating at soccer. That should say something, especially to the British.

   I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years. Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science