Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

   Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   If Apple had a nickle for every time an iPhone dropped it's connection they'd be one of the richest companies in the.......... Oh.

   I know dream catchers don't work,, because I've never seen one in a car worth more than three thousand dollars.

   I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

   I'm re-enacting Titanic today, I'm at the part where Jack is in his underwear on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

   I've just finished designing a new line of T-shirts,,,, The T-shirts were first tested on animals.........they didn't fit

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.

   For $100,,,, I'll come to your house and name all of your plants.

   Ugh,, There's a SPIDER in my toilet,,, And I don't even remember eating a spider...

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.

   I Hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line,, cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.

   "Thesaurus", Was the first dinosaur to get murdered... Ugh, No one likes a know it all.

   I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies

   People who drive slower up hills know how cars work,,, right?

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.

   I know what you did this upcoming summer...................................... *NSA