Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sam Adams Triple Bock.....14% alcohol? Seriously? One of these is like 3.5 Coronas! .......Danger Will Robinson!

   wonders who the smart a$$ is putting all the w's in the M&M's?

   You need people like me so you can point your finger and say thats the bad guy.

   FOR SALE: straw house and stick house. Both in need of renovation. Apply brick house. No wolves.....

   humans......the only creatures who would actually invent a bunch of machines that throw you around, call it an amusement park, and we actually wait in long lines and PAY to do it!

   I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he's fully recovered now.

   Society would improve leaps and bounds if people would just stop putting those stupid Transformers emblems on their cars.

   People who use sporks can't be trusted.

   Just finished watching Karate Kid... Why am I throwing high kicks and making ninga sounds? Yaaaaaaa hoo!

   Oh how that evil ball of hydrogen and helium punishes me on the way home from work with its larger than life flaming brilliance.

   Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

   The Greeks have stopped producing humas and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

   Gene Simmons is now married...hope he didnt french kiss the bride...she might choke

   my handheld social networking device is ringing! what do I do?.

   Gotta love AC with this heat, but damn it's colder than a witches ( . ) in here...

   I've recently come to realize that pajamas with pockets is the greatest invention EVER! They make it SOOO much easier to hide the stuff I steal when I visit my local Wal-Mart store...

   clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle... with the rest of the citizens that would like to FIRE THE WHOLE STINKIN LOT OF YOU! Wow, that felt pretty good.

   Everyone is always having a good time, till someone poops in the punch bowl

   STILL, loking for a Russian maid with ten fingers like a mouth and a mouth like ten fingers...

   Just had 2 thoughts during my massage. 1.I hope my body is not in an odd position when I die. 2.I don't think I've ever seen a live otter."