Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting

   Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..

   Either that milk was bad,,,,, Or they don't actually make onion Chobani flavored Captain Crunch

   I thought AshleyMadison was the bakery that made Zingers... Didn't they used to sponsor Charlie Brown specials?

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   I initially thought this codeine cough syrup was disgusting, but after the second stack of pancakes, it's not so bad.

   My super power is leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.

   "Update the force, Luke"....... *Adobe Wan Kenobi

   My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license.

   If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.

   Don't even TRY a home invasion at my house,,, I've got legions of Lego people ready to launch a campaign of foot pain terrorism at my command...

   Well,, It took 40 years to finally figure out the answer to the "what do you want to be when you get older" question..................... Younger

   Please pray that Jamie Lee Curtis finally eats enough goddamn yogurt that she poops

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   People go on and on about the length of Subway's sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square,,,, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   Sadly,,, If your neighbor has wind chimes you have wind chimes