Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   There will be a 'Supermoon' tonight... That means it will be wearing its underpants on the outside.

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ??

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.

   me: "I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANOTHER FACEBOOK POST ABOUT THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!!"......... election: WATCH THIS

   Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.

   Feelin tired today,,, I was up All night,,, See,I got into this book,, and couldn't put it down,,, Yeah,, Ended up goin thru ALL my crayons...

   What time does facebook close tonight?

   Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.

   Come to think of it,,, I've never found a hair in my food at a Brazilian restaurant.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for Lint

   I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.

   My posts offend you??... Well,, You're probably the same person that said cookie monster made your kid fat... Or Pluto wasn't a planet..

   Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 300,500,192 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 10:29PM on 22/05/2003