Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang

   My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   Yes, the carpet does match the drapes but all the furniture is from Goodwill.

   Want to feel old? The players in this year's Puppy Bowl haven't even been born yet.

   A recent scientific study, has revealed a bunch of crap I don't understand.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   Do not mess with bears. You'll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes?,,, That's right - a victim

   Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting,,, Was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

   At lunch, I thought the meat at Taco Bell was green for St. Patrick's Day,,, but I am now second guessing that assumption.

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   Being married for 20 years,,, our Valentine's gift to each other is usually staying awake past 8:30

   When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at Show&Tell,,,, you're obviously gonna grow up and be a Superhero...

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out

   My best posts are like children... I have my favorites and nobody else seems to be interested in hearing about them.

   [on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos

   Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.

   I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

   I don't like who I am at buffets.