Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

   OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife.

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees

   I never make the same mistake twice.... Dozens, maybe hundreds of times-but never twice.

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   Dyslexics better do it.

   I would save a lot of money if they made all shirts the exact same color as salsa.

   If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.

   'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house

   My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.