andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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I just called. To say. I texted you.
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A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.
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The great thing about waking up to 3 feet of snow is it gives me a legit excuse to skip my usual 5:30am 20K run.
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I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree
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If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.
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What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
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John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft
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Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!
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I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.
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You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
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"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
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The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.
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BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.
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I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
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Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks
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Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
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I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.
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No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do
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I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."
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Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?
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