StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.

   If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.

   I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

   Sure, whitepeople can't say the "n-word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "hey dad"

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.

   The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.