Nipper Funny Status Messages

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   I just switched on Airplane mode on my phone. Fecking Russians launched missiles at it.

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   I wish everyone a happy new year, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.

   When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought --- "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."

   The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.

   My life's not always.. 'Fun and games' Sometimes it's too much whiskey annnd... Oops.. Wrong hole!

   Back seat drivers are all the same..."Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"

   Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don't know how many pills to take.

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

   There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.

   If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.

   Super Bowl Sunday: when people talk over the game and shut up during commercials. Go USA

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   There is nothing better than a woman who's a screamer, even if it is because she just caught you spying in her window.