andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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I just called. To say. I texted you.
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"If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer
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Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
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I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
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When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses
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Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"
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I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
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Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.
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I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster
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I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before
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They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.
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My high-school was a magnet school. All the girls were repelled by me.
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Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.
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I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.
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Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore
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If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
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Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.
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If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.
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Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
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Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids
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