Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.

   I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her

   I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.

   Maybe the next hoarded item will be laxatives...to use up all the toilet paper.

   I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.

   How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.

   General Public: We can't pay rent or the mortgage. Media: LOOK!! The orange haired guy said CHINESE VIRUS again!!

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   This is the longest something made in China has lasted.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.

   If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   Since soap kills COVID 19, have you guys tried just eating Tide Pods again?

   Since the medica frowns on using the term "Chinese virus" or "Kung Flu", please use the following instead: Wuhan Weezer, Boomer Doomer, or the Holocough.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   I can't believe it's riot season already. I still have my COVID19 decorations up.

   Did you hear the joke about the cure for COVID19? It's a riot.

   Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything.