abbybaby34 Funny Status Messages
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My ex said I would always have the key to her heart, so I take it that her new man is a locksmith?
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Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck
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It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.
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If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy
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Guys, if you really want her to stop complaining about the toilet seat being up, pee with it down a few times.
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Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.
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Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...
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The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more...
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Blackberries are like girls, they only work when you rub one little button. iPhones are like men. One touch, anywhere and they respond.
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Facebook keeps showing me my ex "people you may know" Yes, FB, "People I wish I didn't know" quit taunting me on Vday!
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While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
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If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?
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If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
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The best way to win an argument is to play dead.
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Getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.
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would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs
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Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right
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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.
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Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."
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Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.
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