GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   Marriage tip: Let me teach you about dishes. When you come down to the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, if you're the husband just ignore it! Just let them pile up higher and higher until your wife gets tired of seeing them and does them herself! ðŸ

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   I wonder how was God able to find some wise men when most of us men don't even know how to stop and ask for directions when we're lost?

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.