Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night

   The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs

   Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.

   My pet rock turned 4,000,000,001 today

   First rule of Alzheimer's club:

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

   Hey,,, I know the words to all 5 songs on the radio.

   The 3 second rule: Is the time between when you tell me your name,, and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was

   Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings