Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If I'm ever attacked by a gang of clowns, don't worry about me, cause I'll imediately "go for the juggler."

   One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is,, You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.

   It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.

   Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."

   Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.

   The love of Money is the root of all evil.. For more information,,,, send $20 to me.

   If this van's a rockin'?,,, the front wheel must have come off the cinder block... Just knock on the trailer door, someone's usually home

   The first rule of Suspense Club is................

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"

   If you have a recycling bin full of cans with holes from a 22. Then sure, we can be friends

   Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish