Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   Boys are so much easier to raise... Soda,chips,videos games.. And open the door once a week to make sure they're still breathing and your good

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...

   Out voted 1-1 by my wife again....

   Yes, I saved my old beeper. If that technology comes back around I don't want to be paying $20 for a new one.

   What do you think Kanye West is gonna get Kanye West for Valentine's Day this year?

   I like my sushi cooked medium rare,,,, and made from a cow.

   I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,, but so far all I've come up with is "add steak."

   A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   My Uber driver almost crashed twice. 5 stars. Very exciting.

   I test drove a BMW and much to my surprise,,, ALL the blinkers worked!................ Explain that,, All you owners

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...