Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Jerk off so hard your sperm dies of shaken baby syndrome.

   They praise and call Brice brave for changing into a woman. They hail it as an achievement. This world has really gone to the dogs. I remember a time when bravery was risking your life fighting against the Nazi. Achievement was landing on the moon.

   Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself.

   In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.

   I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   I can't tell what's currently doing worse, my love life or my bank account

   When a mosquito bites you and it dies of alcohol poisoning you're doing something right

   The best thing about being an Atheist is that no one watches you masturbate, unless you want them to.

   Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

   I once dated a girl who didn't need me to open jars for her. It was pretty convenient but the handjobs were crippling.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   I'm sorry I'm so emotional bro. It came with these skinny jeans and selfie stick.

   I like to peel all of the labels off of my pill bottles and just write "surprise me" on them.